Jesus Goes to Town
by UltimateFanJob123 - Beta 27
Summary: Something completely random I found on my HDD. Read it and nearly wet my pants laughing.


DAY 1

And Jesus got down on his hands and knees and proceeded to wash the feet of his disciples for he knew that this would be his last supper with them. As he pulled the wet rag from the soapy bucket a wave of confusion spread across the room as his followers watched in amusement. Whispers could be heard from around the long table wondering what their messiah was about to do. They thought he had gone crazy. Then he started washing their feet going around the table. Many did not question him as to why he was doing this but simply let him degrade himself. When he reached Simon he pulled his feet away and said to Jesus "why must you wash our feet?" Jesus replied calmly saying "my friend, I am washing your feet to show that I care for you and I, myself am a servant of God, and like any servant, will wash your feet" Simon was reluctant but let Jesus wash his feet.

When Jesus was done washing his disciples Feet he washed his hands and prepared a toast. The Disciples were anxious as to what crazy scheme he had in mind this time. He then broke a loaf of bread into twelve pieces and gave each of his disciples a piece. He said "take this bread and eat it, for this is my body." The disciples shared a strange look with each other as they ate their bread. When they had finished eating their bread Jesus had already poured twelve glasses of wine. He said as he passed them down the table "drink this, for this is my blood" They all reluctantly drank the wine while Jesus poured a glass of water for himself.

As Jesus finished his toast four FBI agents burst in the front door of Jesus' house. The first one yelled "Everybody down on the floor now!" Jesus surprised everyone when he pulled two 9mm Uzi's from the inside of robe and gunned down the two agents coming towards him. They both dropped their shotguns as they hit the ground hard. The other two agents learned their lesson and took cover out the front doorway on each side of the doorframe as one of his disciples, Phillip dived towards the two downed agents. The two FBI agents used their AK-47's to pick off one disciple at a time while peeking in from the doorway outside. Some of the disciples tried running but got popped in the head as they left the table. Simon thought he would hide under the long table but just as he got under an agent threw a grenade in under the table and landed at his feet. As soon as he picked it up it blew up in his hand. Both Simon and the table blew into a thousand pieces. Philip picked up one of the dead agents 12 gauge pump action Remington 870 TAC desert recon's and fired at the open doorway in hope that he would hit the agents taking cover on the other side. Jesus pocketed his Uzi's just as Phillip threw him his Remington. Philip grabbed the other one and ran out the back door while table debris was flying all over the room. Jesus cocked the shotty and followed him.

The other two agents looked inside when the chaos stopped and realised everyone was dead. They walked in for a body count and to get a positive ID on one of the bodies. When they put the corpse pieces back together they realised there were only thirteen bodies including their two teammates. And Jesus wasn't one of them. They searched the rest of the house and found the back door open. They went out in time to see Jesus and a disciple load up a Holden SS V Ute tray full of weapons and ammunition. "You've got 3 seconds to drop your weapons or we'll open fire" "shit, Phil, get down" Phil hit the floor and crawled to the right side of the truck and opened the door. BOOM Jesus fired the shotgun at the closest FBI and the far one fired the remainder of his magazine at Jesus, 5 rounds straight into his chest. Jesus fell down hard on the cold cement ground that was his garage floor. The FBI agent loaded another clip into his AK and looked at Jesus lying on the ground and slowly walked away. As the agent got into the driver seat of their suburban he heard the choke of an engine and the screeching of tyres taking off in a hurry. "Shit, shit, shit" the Agent swore at himself for not checking on the runaway disciple. He quickly got out of the truck and ran back to the garage to find not only the ute was gone, but Jesus' body as well. "Son of a bitch" said the agent when he realised there was no blood on the ground where Jesus fell. He jumped on an old dirtbike and took off down the track in hope of finding the truck somewhere.

The agent got about 300 metres away from the house when he stopped and called for backup on his cell phone. He sped up again to chase them.

About 20 minutes after they made their escape Jesus and Phil heard the sound of a helicopter from behind. Jesus climbed out of the passenger side window and jumped into the tray. He pulled out a Springfield m 1903 .30 calibre and loaded it with five rounds. He stayed in the tray of the Ute until the helicopter was in range and fired all five shots at it. When they didn't even dint it Jesus took a closer look and realised it was an AH-64 apache attack helicopter.

The Apache fired one of its AGM-114 hellfire missiles at the truck but Phil saw the missile as it left the wing and dodged it by a mile. Phil steered the truck so it was heading towards a river. By now the Holden SS V ute was going about 250 km an hour and Jesus looked ahead and saw the river less than a kilometre away. He quickly grabbed ammo for his rifle and slung the Springfield over his shoulder with a shoulder strap, he also got four spare mags for his two Uzi's and stuffed them in his robe pocket. He grabbed both FBI issued Remington shotguns, one in each hand and braced himself for the impact. As soon as he closed his eyes the ute splashed into the water. Jesus hit the water and dived under to avoid being seen by the overhead chopper, he opened Phil's door and they both swam to an area of the lake that was overgrown with reeds to pop up for breath so the helicopter pilot would not see them. "Don't move" whispered Jesus. They waited in the reeds for about 20 minutes until the pilot gave up and left. "Slowly swim to the shore" Jesus handed Phil one of the Remington's and watched as he doggy paddled to the shore and climbed onto dry ground. Phil crouched down near a bush and watched the chopper until it was out of range. "It's clear Jesus" he reassured him. Jesus swam to the shore to meet him. "Lucky we didn't hit a tree" Jesus commented as he noticed the large trees surrounding the river. He pulled his Springfield from his shoulder strap and replaced it with the Remington. "It's getting late, we should find a place to sleep for the night" said Jesus. Phil nodded in agreement and checked his remaining ammo. 7 rounds "good, full ammo" said Phil. Jesus took off his bullet proof vest and inspected the damage. Five bullet marks. He whistled to himself as he realised how lucky he was to get out of there alive, he put it back on just in case he needed it. Phil went off to find firewood but came back with nothing. It was about 8:00 now and getting dark. Jesus put full mags in his Uzis' and scanned the area for food. He put his robe down as a pillow and went searching for food. Phil took off downstream and about 50 meters away he called for Jesus. He waited for his friend to walk down to meet him. When Jesus got there he noticed a dead body lying down by the lake. It looked new, like it had only been dumped recently, a few hours ago at the most. They both walked back to the improvised campsite and were asleep within minutes.

After they had been asleep for only about an hour something nearby woke Jesus. He stirred quite quickly and grabbed his rifle. "AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH HEEEELLLP" yelled Phil, struggling to keep the rabid stranger off him. Jesus turned to see Phil struggling with a strange old guy frothing at the mouth. "Oi Suzie" taunted Jesus to the guy. He turned around and half smiled at Jesus then went to bite Phil. Jesus shot the guy in the head and it exploded into hundreds of pieces. "Crazy old bastard" said Jesus, and fell back to sleep. Phil stayed awake all night shit scared with his shotgun in his hand.

DAY 2.

Jesus woke up early in the morning about 5 o'clock to start moving off for the day. He put his robe on and looked for Phil. "PHIL, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Jesus went searching for Phil and found him nearby asleep at the riverbed. He kicked him "Phil get up we gotta go." "Huh oh uugghh what the fuck you want man?" Jesus grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up roughly. "What the fuck Phil do you want me to kill you?" "Whoa man hey calm the fuck down bro" "ok you're right I'm sorry" "did you hide the guy you killed?" "Yeah it's alright don't worry about it just get moving." They walked past the site where the body was dumped the night before. The sun was beginning to come out so they could see clearer now. "hey wasn't there a body there?" asked Phil "oh yea there was, eh, wild cats must of taken it away" "or that crazy cannibal got him, got your guns?" asked Phil waving his shotgun "course I do dumbass" replied Jesus as he brought his Springfield out of the inside of his robe and took the clip out. "What are you doing?" said Phil "I like a full mag, that a problem?" he replied as he put another cartridge in the mag. "No, no of course not" Phil shut up for a while as they continued walking along the river.

After about an hour of walking they heard voices and both froze and looked around. They slowly drew their guns and crouched down in the bushes and long shadows. They saw three Black-clad figures talking by the river and Jesus aimed his rifle at them. He recognised one as the FBI who shot him in the garage yesterday. He must have come down here to set up a blockade. Jesus and Phil scanned the area for any other agents or traps but saw nothing. A minute later a speedboat came up the river and stopped near the agents. Jesus heard only a few words from their conversation "can't…truck…body…upstream" just then one of the three hopped into the boat and they drove upstream where the two fugitives come from. From Jesus' position he could hear the other two talking about a dive team to search for the wreck or the two bodies. Jesus could see that they were only armed with glock 22's, one each. Jesus signalled Philip to sneak up on them while his rifle remained aimed at them. Phil shot the closest one to him. And quickly pumped his shotty to eject the shell and nailed the other FBI as he drew his pistol. "Good job Phil, but hurry up they will be coming back soon, grab their guns and any spare ammo." Phil did as he was told and ran back to where Jesus stood under the shade of the trees. He gave Jesus one of the glocks and cocked the Remington once more to ensure it was ready to fire. Then they both checked the stolen glocks and cocked them. Phil put his glock in his pants waist for east access. Jesus did the same thing with his. Then they searched around for a vehicle that the FBI must have arrived in but found nothing. When they found nothing they sat down to make a plan but then the boat returned and the two runaways lay down in the tall grass for cover.

They waited until the boat had been turned off and the agents walked off. Jesus and Phil crouched and crept towards them. When they got close enough without being spotted they took aim and shot them with their new handguns. They went over to the dead bodies and looted them for valuables' and weapons. They got $70 and two more glocks, one was surprisingly unarmed. "You take that one, I'll take these two" Jesus said as he started dragging the two bodies towards the river and threw them in. Phil did the same with the other one. Then they boarded the boat. Luckily the keys were still in the ignition. Phil started the boat and began to drive downstream. Jesus opened a crate at the back of the boat and found a heap of spare .40 S&W rounds and glock magazines. He hid their shotguns and his rifle under the seat and proceeded to grab spare ammo for him and Phil. Then he put full clips in their glocks and handed Phil two and kept two for himself. His Uzi's still had one magazine each in them.

All FBI presence in the area has been eliminated so Jesus and Phil had an easy escape downstream in the speedboat. Neither of them talked until about an hour later when they got to a small town on the riverside in the middle of riot. From the river they could see smoke, fire and half destroyed buildings. They could hear screaming, glass smashing, gunfire and explosions. They anchored the boat at the dock and went in to the town both dual wielding their glocks. When they got in they walked down an alleyway to the town centre but near the end of the alley they saw a Molotov being thrown at them and they both ran separate ways to avoid the flames that would engulf them.

Phil ran into a building on the right that looked like it belonged to someone rich. He walked in and saw a large room with red drapes, polished wooden furniture an open doorway that led to a kitchen on the left side and a stairway on the opposite of him. He carefully walked into the kitchen with one glock drawn for better accuracy. As he got in the kitchen he heard a noise upstairs and quickly turned around. He moved around quietly and crept upstairs to investigate the noise. About halfway up the stairs creaked under the weight of him. A man appeared at the top of the doorway in front of him with an old carving knife. Behind him was a bed and another doorway, this one was closed however. Phil aimed his glock at the stranger "drop your weapon" he said in a demanding tone. The man slowly put his knife down and his arms up. "What's your name?" said Phil. "James" said the man "great, now what's going on here?" "What do you mean?" Asked James. "Why is everyone fighting?" replied Phil. "Oh some government dudes came here and started tearing the place apart so we're fighting back" Phil lowered his gun so it wasn't aimed at him anymore. "Why are they here, James?" "I don't fucking know do I?" "Fucking smartass, what DO you know?" Phil slapped him in the face "I already fucking told you what I know are you going to let me go now or what?" "Here", said Phil as he handed him his other gun "let's get the fuck out of here." As Phil turned around to go down the stairs a Molotov was thrown in through the smashed window downstairs and exploded right at the base of the stairs. "Shit, follow me" said James as he turned around and ran through the bedroom. Phil followed him as he opened the door on the other side of the room and ran through a hallway and went into a room on the left side. James smashed the window and jumped out and landed in a trash pile. Phil did the same and realised they were in the alley he and Jesus were in when he ran off. "Is that your house?" "No I ran there to hide when the government arrived" "when did they come?" asked Phil "yesterday, we've been fighting them ever since they arrived." "Except you?" "Yea except me."

Jesus was in the town centre by the large fountain firing his glocks at the FBI attempting to flank him on both sides. When he ran out of ammo he ran into the train station for cover to reload. He had only two spare mags left now so he stayed in the train station looking out the windows for Phil.

Phil and James went around the outskirts of the small town to avoid the fighting.  
When they got to the train station Phil slowly opened the door and peeked in to find no one in there. He beckoned James to come in and closed the door behind him. There was a stairwell at the back that led to the roof. They both went up to the roof so they could have a good view of the battlefield. They walked to the edge and peered over to see about 30 dead bodies weapons all over and people fighting the government but they were clearly outnumbered. By now the fighting had died down and was pretty quiet except for the occasional gunshot from a soldiers MP5, AK or glock. Less Molotov's were being thrown around and government agents and soldiers roamed the town now.

James felt a gun barrel being pressed against the back of his head and a voice saying "drop your weapon." Phil recognised the voice and turned around to see Jesus pointing a gun at James. He said to Jesus "its ok, he's with me" "what's your name kid?" asked Jesus to James. "James" he replied. "Both of you, we've got to get back to the boat before we're killed." Said Jesus. Just then four U.S marines marched out six prostitutes from the brothel on the right of the small town and lined them up against the fountain. The three of them watched as the four marines fired their MP5s at the prostitutes and each girl was almost ripped in half by the shred of bullets that passed through their bodies. "Shit, Jesus we can't let this happen you have to do something." "Ok but help me, I can't kill them all on my own." "What?" said Phil "just shoot them now." Jesus said nothing as he pulled out his second glock and aimed both of them at the four laughing soldiers down by the fountain. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, click, click.  
Phil and James looked down at where the four soldiers stood before Jesus plugged them full of holes. Jesus slumped down and prayed to his father for forgiveness for all he had done the past two days.

"Ok, we've got to get to the boat now" said Jesus getting up. Phil and James led the way around the back of the buildings to avoid the soldiers. It was much easier now with considerably less hostile forces killing everything that moves. The town was small so fell to the government quite quickly. They snuck around the back of the town to the docks and ran to their boat. On their way they looted as many dead soldiers and agents as they could. They each grabbed an AK-47 and spare clips and rounds.

As soon as they got to the docks an FBI boat with four occupants pulled up next to theirs and one recognised Jesus and drew his AK-47 on Jesus. "Jesus, drop your weapon" upon hearing this the other three FBI drew their glocks and aimed at Jesus and his friends. "Oh fuck" said Jesus putting his AK down Phil put his gun down as well while James stood there shocked. "Hey you, drop it" said the first FBI to James. "Do it" said Jesus and James put his gun down. "Now slowly get your other guns out and put them down" Jesus did this reluctantly while two FBI got out of the boat to arrest him. The FBI were walking towards Jesus when all of a sudden their boat exploded behind them. The two agents were shocked and turned around to see it. Jesus swung his right arm round to hit the FBI in front of him. Phil was stunned but tackled the other FBI to the ground and punched him in the face repeatedly, knocking him out. Jesus was struggling to get a hit in because his opponent kept throwing punches left, right and centre and Jesus was dodging every one. Phil kept punching the guy until his face was covered in blood. Finally Jesus ducked down and came up with an uppercut to the chin, knocking his foe backwards. As he was struggling to stay upright Jesus picked up one of his glocks. He aimed at the FBI staggering, holding his chin.

For James time seemed to have slowed down. He couldn't hear anything but ringing and saw a guy dressed in black slowly falling down at the riverbank. Then he saw Jesus put his gun away and slowly turn around to face him. All of a sudden a guy jumped out of the treeline in a ghillie suit and started smashing Jesus with a stick. Jesus fell forwards and his gun flew out of his hand and landed less than a metre away from James. James saw that Jesus was getting beaten up and reached out and grabbed the gun from the ground. He picked up the gun slowly and aimed in the direction of Jesus and the stranger. His vision was blurry and black and white from the explosion and couldn't see real well. He waited until he could see better.  
From the left side of his eye he saw a figure slowly walking towards Jesus and the stranger.

The guy in the ghillie suit looked up and saw Phil running towards him and he stopped beating Jesus and waited till Phil was in range. Once Phil was close enough he swung his stick at Phil's legs and he fell over. Then he started beating Phil with his stick

James watched all this in blurry slow motion and no sound for a while until he took a lucky shot at the man in the ghillie suit. He stopped hitting Phil and clutched his chest. James fired the gun three more times until the guy fell over backwards. James only heard four dull thuds as he shot the strange dude. Jesus stood up, blood all over him, and wiped his face and looked at his mates. "Alright let's get out of here." A thin stream of grey smoke flew past Jesus' head and crashed straight into their boat. Behind Jesus a huge fireball erupted from the lake and Phil stared in shock at the fire that just destroyed their transport out of there.

Jesus saw where the RPG shot was fired from and ran towards his guns. He picked them all up and threw Phil and James an AK-47 and a glock each and headed for the town. "Come on" Jesus beckoned his friends as he was running. "Where is he going?" asked James, still half out of it "probably to get the guy with the RPG" "oh fuck, really?" "Yea, come on" said Phil. They both followed him back into the alley and into the building on the left, next to where Phil met James. Jesus smashed a window on the side of the building in the alley and climbed in. Phil followed and James crouched behind the trash can further down the alley to regain full consciousness. Jesus and Phil had been gone only about three minutes before two soldiers casually walked towards the alley. James thought of what to do and jumped out of cover from the trash can and sprayed thee two agents with an entire AK clip. Jesus and Phil heard this as they were halfway up the stairs and Phil ran back down to the window to check on James. "James, you ok?" he whispered. "Yea, you got a spare mag for this thing?" Phil pulled his spare AK clip from his pocket and threw it across the alley to James "thanks bro." Phil stayed downstairs in case any FBI or soldiers came in.

Jesus looked around upstairs and found an RPG-7 launcher on a bedroom table, unloaded with two RPGs next to it. He looked around the room with his AK up and ready to fire. He heard a cough behind him and turned around to see who it was. "Whoa don't fuckin' shoot me man" said the stranger when he saw an AK-47 pointed at him. Jesus found himself staring at an elderly man about 60 with tattered old clothes on "Who are you?" "My name is Peter, James is my son." "James?" "The guy who's with us?" "Yea that's why I blew the FBI boat up" "why did you blow ours up?" "They have GPS in them, they'll find you if you keep using it." "They also had our guns in them" said Jesus angrily. "Oh man I'm sorry I didn't know" "it's OK c'mon let's get out of here, PHIL, WERE COMIN' DOWN, HOLD YOUR FIRE." Jesus yelled to Phil. Peter grabbed his RPG-7 in his right hand and loaded a round in the muzzle and held the spare in his left hand while they went down the stairs. "James, where are you?" yelled Peter. James appeared at the smashed window. "Dad?" asked James. "Thank god you're ok son." "We don't have time for this right now." Jesus interrupted "we really have to go before they get a clean-up crew in this shithole of a town, follow me. Jesus ran out of the house into the courtyard. The other three followed and they crouched next to the fountain to avoid the three marines on the other side. The marines split up, two went to the train station and the other went into the bar behind him.

Once they were out of sight Jesus and Phil ran into the train station to kill the two marines that ran that way. When they entered they were surprised to see no one in there. They signalled James and Peter and they ran to meet them there. They waited in the train station for about a half an hour until the train arrived at 11:30. The train had the engine and three flatcars, the first had a mounted M60 in the centre, the second had a 12.8cm flak 40 anti-aircraft gun and the last car had a 7.62 cm M5 anti-tank cannon. All three cars were loaded with soldiers armed with MP5s, twenty in total, and on each car was a large container on the right side. Jesus led the three of them to the roof so they would not be spotted by the military as they got off the train. On the roof they saw the two marines looking out over the train. The soldiers got off the train and walked through the station to the half destroyed town. The two marines on the roof yelled something down to someone on the ground. They turned around to go down and meet them and one was knocked out by Jesus in one hit while Phil tackled the other one to the ground. When he was knocked out Jesus and Phil replaced their clothes with the marine uniform and took an MP5. They walked down the stairs with their AK in their right hands and the MP5 in their left. With the uniforms on they were able to sneak onto the train unnoticed. Phil took the driver out who was still in the engine and put him on the tracks. Then Jesus called for James and Peter to come down.

Once they were all on the train Peter started the engine and Jesus manned the M60. As soon as the engine started about 12 soldiers came running towards the train and Jesus mowed them down with the M60 as Peter started to move the train off. Phil took control of the flak 40 anti-air gun and James used the anti-tank gun the train was slow to get going so they encountered resistance from within the town. James fired the cannon at the train station wall to destroy it but it only cracked. Phil used his AK-47 to aim accurately at the approaching soldiers and jumped off the flatcar to loot the bodies. By now the train was slowly leaving the town, only the last two cars were at the station. "Phil, c'mon we gotta go" said Jesus as the train was picking up speed. Phil quickly grabbed about 20 MP5 clips from fallen soldiers and threw them on the carriages. Then he threw his AK on and got three more MP5s. he threw them on the last carriage as it passed him and he climbed on from the back end, now going about 5 km/hour. Jesus ran to the end carriage to see Phil grunting trying to open the container. "Here" said Jesus pushing Phil out of the way. He knelt down and started fiddling with the combination lock on the container. After a minute or two he pulled his glock out. He fired three times at the lock and it fell off the container. He lifted the lid and saw about 1000 7.62 cm explosive anti-tank rounds. James grabbed one and loaded it into the cannon. The train was now about 1km away from the town and James saw two cars following them, catching them. He aimed the cannon at the lead car and fired. The car blew up and flew about 3 metres in the air before it crashed down on the track behind the train. "Fuck" breathed James when he saw it fall down. Jesus and Phil crouched down to fire their AK-47s at the second car that was approaching fast. The volley of bullets that hit the car smashed the window and killed the driver and front passenger. James loaded another round into the cannon while Jesus and Phil ran to the second flatcar to open the crate. Jesus shot the lock and lifted the lid. Inside were about 800 12.8 cm explosive flak 40 anti-air rounds. Phil and Jesus ran to the first carriage and opened the last container. It was full of M60 rounds, too many to count. The train was going about 20 km/h now and speeding up. The town was out of sight now and they were going through the open desert, bare landscape with an occasional tree here and there and a few birds flying overhead. Phil checked the M60 and flak cannon while Jesus walked to the engine car. "Hey, Peter" said Jesus "yea" replied James "what's the U.S. government doing here, in Israel?" "They said they were looking for you." "Why the fuck are they looking for me?" "I don't know I heard them say something about you, a wanted terrorist or some shit." "What the fuck are they talking about? I'm no terrorist" "yea I know but they obviously don't." Jesus walked back to the second car and told Phil what Peter told him. "OK" said Phil "we'll make them think your dead" "not a bad idea but they'll need proof" said Jesus "I'll think of something" said Phil.

The train was now going 80 km/h through the sandy desert when Phil saw a shine to the far right in the sky. He turned his anti-air gun towards the shine and started firing. He waited after he was out of ammo to see what the aircraft was doing. "Jesus, reload!" Jesus quickly reloaded the anti-air gun and Phil resumed shooting at the nearing aircraft. When it was about 300 metres away Phil saw that it was another AH-64 apache. Peter left the engine car and shot his AK magazine at the helicopter. He fired the entire magazine at it before returning to the train controls. The explosive anti-air rounds had damaged the helicopter enough for the pilot to swing around and fly back. Jesus reloaded the anti-air gun again in case they sent another helicopter. It was quiet for a while until they went through a tunnel and Peter saw movement at the end of the long tunnel. He ran to tell Jesus to be ready for an ambush. Jesus yelled to Phil to have his AK and MP5 topped up with ammo and tell James to man the anti-tank cannon. As soon as they emerged from the tunnel the train was hit with a barrage of bullets. Jesus and Phil were lying down so the bullets passed overhead and James was at the back leaning off the rear of the train with his left hand gripping the low rail that ran across the flatcar. His MP5 in his right hand, as soon as he saw the soldiers he fired to the right of the train and hit three soldiers crouched outside the tunnel before he was out of ammo. When the entire train had escaped the tunnel two black ford utes started chasing them one on each side of the train. Each ute had three marines in the tray and two in the cab. They started firing their MP5s at anyone they could see. James climbed up the railing and got back on the car. He manned the anti-tank cannon and aimed at the ute ahead of him on the right.


End file.
